Have you ever made an epic mistake in bed and wondered: how will I bounce back from this one? Unless you're a comedian looking for material, sometimes it just doesn't seem funny. But it can. Sex is seriously funny. It has so much potential to be fun and enjoyable. We've talked previously about things not to do during blowjobs and then even more things not to do during blowjobs, for example. But how, exactly, does one bounce back from these blunders? Thank goodness we have this question answered from GetLusty writer Lynn Olejniczak answers. Want to make your blunders better? Read on!
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No one is perfect. We all have flaws which come to the surface when we are unprepared, uncertain, uncompromising, under pressure, or just when the universe thinks we need reminding. And while we will often accept others’ blemishes, we have a hard time putting the mirror up to ourselves. Unfortunately, there is no other place where we try to achieve perfection as much as the bedroom. And no other place where we can fuck it up more. So what do we do when we make a mistake? Is there a way to fix things?
Sure. But keep in mind--a little bit of humor can go a long way. Sex is the ultimate act of exposure and vulnerability. We are never more open, raw, and capable of ego shattering actions than in the bedroom. We have all been part of a truly embarrassing situation here. Usually, these situations happen early in a relationship when we are still trying to impress the other person. So there is nothing like trying to put your bravest face on in the wake of something unfathomably humiliating in front of a practical stranger.
#1 Period sheets
One of the most common embarrassing situations for a woman is to have or begin her period during sex. At his place. Ruining his sheets. The first time together (or even the 60th time together). The worry is women don’t want guys to think they are too stupid to not know when their period is supposed to come. Or how come they couldn’t tell.
Truth is, women know roughly when it is supposed to arrive but factors like stress, weight loss/gain, activity, and human biology prevent them from knowing the exact time of its arrival. It isn’t a bus, it is a period! There is not one woman who doesn’t have an embarrassing adolescent memory involving her period. Women spend early adulthood learning to secretly manage life with it. So when something like a surprise visit happens at the world’s worst time, all of those humiliating memories flood back. So what do you do when this happens to you?
Recovery move
Apologize. But know you are apologizing for the sheets, not for having your period. If you spilled wine in bed the result would be the same. So much of how this situation will go depends on how he will handle this. If he freaks out, offer to help clean up but remind yourself that getting your period is natural. Don’t feel guilty about being healthy. Then count your blessings, because Mother Nature is telling you to run. If he doesn’t freak out, still offer to help clean up. And then feel grateful that you met a nice guy who understands how nature works.
#2 Not that time
The number one concern for men in the bedroom is performance. A good performance is pleasurable on both sides. A bad performance leaves your partner unsatisfied and you either fumbling for excuses or trying to move onto another situation (dinner, anyone?). Let’s be honest. Guys don’t handle this situation well so women need to be helpful and supportive. If you two have been going at it, and he loses his hard-on, no matter how hard he tries (no pun intended), someone has to move towards other forms of intimate expression.
Recovery move
Turn the experience into a feeling exploration of each other’s bodies. Find other erogenous zones or move to massage. This relaxation may help ease performance anxiety and you may be able to try again later. If not, enjoy the new path for the evening; turn it into a building block of trust and non-judgment. If the performance is premature don’t fret about it either. You may have really been looking forward to sex with her, or just sex right now! One thing a man shouldn’t do is avoid acknowledging the situation. Say something. Let the woman know you are aware that it was rather speedy but you are all about doing it again. Obviously you find her hot!
#3 Never ending intercourse
Another performance issue is the long, drawn out soliloquy. Everyone loves lots of sex but sometimes it just isn’t going to happen. Eventually continued thrusting is going to take its toll on the woman and it just won’t be fun anymore. Especially if the guy feels like he's got to orgasm, dammit! Know what? Just know when to say when.
Recovery move
We've talked about a variety of ways to elongate your sex session by using foreplay, for example. Sensual and sacred sex are also ways to integrate more spiritual forms of sex. There are so many ways to move away from simply intercourse. This isn't a porn (unless you're taping yourself, in which case it's still OK to proliferate). Move to those other forms of intimate expression; massage, oral, anything that continues to bring pleasure. Sex isn't about proving something to your partner or yourself. It's about fun & pleasure!
#4 Coitus interruptus
And I’m not talking birth control. It's a parent, child, roommate, pet or someone interrupting you at the wrong place at the wrong time. Usually, they are the ones who are embarrassed and exit quickly. But they've made their mark.
Recovery move
Little needs to be done about this when it's a roommate (unless you happen to be having sex with their partner). Just giggle a bit and go about your business. If it's a parent, depending on the housing situation, you may need to stop and address it. If they’re visiting and just happened to walk in, depending on the comfort level, you may be able to let it go. If it is a child, it is a good idea to stop and and handle it right away.
If it was both parents the child walked in on, both should go and open dialogue on what just happened. If it is a parent and a visiting boy/girlfriend, then the parent should go and the call should be made on if the friend should leave for the night. It's always better here to air on the side of discretion than not. Stranger? Make sure you aren’t breaking any laws, zip up your pants, and move along. The last thing you want is to be arrested for lewd or obscene behavior. Depending on your states laws, you could be placed on a sexual offender registry, and that just isn’t worth it so choose wisely. Yuck.
Other minor infractions
#5 Passing gas
Just like a period, it happens. Recovery move: Ignore it, laugh it off, whichever but remember it is normal, and probably not the first nor last time it will happen. Alternatively, you can also move to another place to continue.
#6 Injuries
Gee, that swing, position, tether, handcuffs, outfit, device looked swell in the store, or book you read. And all was going so peachy until one false move, run away elbow or faulty manufacturing turned everything from pleasure to pain (the bad kind).
Recovery move
First, don't do openly stupid things in your bedroom. Think: sticking up a lightbulb (or anything that could break while being inserted or while coming out of your body) in your orifices. Just make sure everyone is fine, tend the wound, hopefully no ER visit is required and learn from it. (I once mistook warming massage oil for warming lube. Know what the difference is? About 20 degrees. Yes, he still has a penis, and yes we are still together.)
Sex is fun. It is designed to be fun. It is when we get all worked up about how things are “supposed to go” that things fail. Keep it spontaneous, keep it in the correct frame of mind, keep your ego in check, and there will be no such thing as a major fail. Just a funny story to look back on.
Lynn Olejniczak is a native Chicagoan who loves her city and everything it has to offer. She spent 10 years as a NASDAQ trader in Chicago and New York in the 90's, then went back to college when "the rules changed and I realized no one was going to pay me lots of money to swear at them anymore."
She loves good food, and a perfectly poured Guinness at any Irish pub in the city. Her Beastie Boys CDs rest comfortably next to her Misfits vinyl, and she believes Underground Garage is the best radio program known to humankind. Armed with degrees in History, and a love of Urban Planning, Lynn is currently writing and researching a book on the 80's Chicago bar scene. Get in touch with Lynn at editorial@getlusty.com.
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