Sex is and should be funny. There are limits to fun & enjoyable things to do during sex.
We understand that weird and silly things just happen when people have sex. That's just life. But if you're the one who is making these things happen, stop. Just stop! Here is a list of twenty things to not do in bed for you and your man.
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#1 Don't pick up the phone Especially if it's your boss or mother. This should be reserved for emergencies. This includes, for example, if the babysitter is only supposed to call during emergencies.
But otherwise, we'd recommend against this far-too-often practice. Not only does this distract you, it can also ruin the mood entirely. If you don't want to have awesome sex, and then shower sex after that, then go ahead. Answer your phone. But if not, do yourself a favor and turn your phone on silent or even better, just turn it off.
#2 Don't have the TV onYou may think that it's a great idea to get head while you're watching your favorite sports team beat down their rivals but, unless it was a mutual decision don't be a dick so you can get yours sucked.
#3 Don't let it rip willy-nilly We get it, sometimes you just have to fart. It's a natural bodily function and we are not telling you to keep it until your gut explodes but please, just don't let it rip so that it makes a loud noise. If it accidentally escapes just say 'excuse me' and keep riding.
#4 Don't call someone else's name Sometimes you might be fantasizing about your favorite porn star or a super sexy ex and that's ok. Whatever gets you off! However, it's a huge mood ruiner and almost a guarantee that you wont be getting that booty any more when you yell out someone else's name that isn't the person you're currently screwing.
#5 No anal without warningAnal is great! We dedicated an entire month to it. But if you think it's a great idea to ram your partner in the ass without fair warning, you are wrong. Especially if you're going at it hard, make sure not to take it out too far. I was once bruised with a dick on my anus. I couldn't sit for days. It was bad. Don't wish that upon your lover.
#6 Don't do it without lube
Following up with the previous "don't" if you are going to do someone in the ass USE LUBE. It is more than a common courtesy, it's a necessity. Please be kind and lube my behind.
#7 Don't make your lover look like they were just in a bar fightLove bites, hickeys... we love them but please, no need to make someone look like they just got out of a bar brawl.
#8 Don't quote moviesMovie lovers I salute you. But, if you quote movies during our session you're more than likely to get laughter and odd looks rather than someone moaning your name.
And, you know what, sometimes that's what you want--which is cool. But my preference is not to hear, "You can do it! You can do it alll night long!". Unless, of course, we're in the middle of an Adam Sandler fantasy. In which case, that'd still be funny. But slightly more hot.
#9 Don't ever tell your lover to hurry upIf it's not a mutually agreed upon quickie, don't rush your lover. If you want that pussy/dick, it's likely to be fizzled if its unduly rushed.
#10 Don't cryUnless you are emotionally moved by our love making there is no crying during sex!
Tears will make any girly boner or pitched tent deflate in an instant. If you have an issue so mentally taxing, let's not have sex. We should probably talk in that case.
#11 Don't break bad news to your loverTotal mood ruiner that could lead to an argument mid coitus. Put your head back on, this is a bad idea. Just let your mind move to another--better--place and get back to giving me head!
#12 Don't break up mid humpAlways be nice to the woman who has your dick in her pussy or mouth. I mean, really, we've been together for
how long and you want to break up with me while having sex? That's
wrong! Let's talk it over later. For now, enjoy the pleasure of making love.
#13 Don't live tweet sexJust don't! It's rude and creepy. I don't want my pussy hangin' out there in the Twitterverse. And I'd prefer if you didn't Twitpic or Instagram your dick (AKA dickpic). It's something other than monogamy and we haven't even talked about it first?!
#14 Don't try something new without telling your partnerI am trying to save you some embarrassment and rejection. If you want to put on a horse head and strap on some hooves that's fine, but please discuss it first. Just tell me, we can talk about it (and
negotiate), and then move onto making your fantasy into real life!
#15 Don't ask for moneySeriously? Now is not the time. I know the gas and electric bill need to get paid. But I will most definitely forget about it post hump. Just make a note on the fridge before our escapades.
#16 Don't announce that you have an STD mid humpWe understand likely couples won't have to deal with STDs frequently. But this does happen surprisingly, and
not always a sign of infidelity. Let's be adult about this one. If you have an STD you should always tell someone
before hopping into bed with them. If you are doing it as a joke you deserve to be bucked off and fall on your ass.
#17 Don't talk about the current presidential racePlain and simple. There is nothing less sexy that politics, insurance and taxidermy. Let's talk about it! Just... not while making love.
#18 Don't talk about your familyWe know you love your family but there is a time and a place for them and it's NOT in bed with you and your lover. Talking about drama between family members could not be more unsexy.
#19 Don't invite your dog or cat in to watchFluffy and Shadow are your best friends on four legs. We are animal lovers too. But they don't need to come and see the show especially if they are curious must-sniff-everything types.
#20 Don't be a selfish loverWhen getting down be courteous! Don't be a one minute man or woman and then not get your partner off. At the very least you need to serve up some oral for dessert.
This is a guest post by our very own Crimson.
Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!
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