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Question
Dear GetLusty,
My husband doesn't make me feel sexy, but I feel like I'm still expected to talk dirty or try to turn him on in other ways. I feel like I'm acting out a play every time we are intimate!
I try things like dressing up to get him more heated during sex and he still doesn't put forth any effort with me. I don't think I'll be able to enjoy sex fully until I feel sexy and wanted by him. We've talked about this a little bit but I don't think he understands where I'm coming from. Do you have any tips for communicating this better to my husband? How can he make me feel more sexy?
Signed,
Feeling unsexy
Answer
Dear Feeling unsexy,
Thank you for your question. And, I am sorry to hear that your husband doesn't make you feel sexy but that you still feel expected to walk the walk, so to speak.
It sounds like you've tried to make yourself feel sexier by trying on different sexy outfits, but he just expects you to do all the work. My question to you is why do you continue to do all the work? Speak up, speak clearly, and be heard! You are 50% of this relationship and you're voice is important.
#1 Ask yourself - what do you want?The first thing to do is ask yourself what would make you feel more sexy? Do you like kissing? Or maybe you want more romance, flowers, dinners?
Perhaps you'd like him to tell you that you're beautiful or appreciate your cooking or style of dress. First thing is to know what would make you feel sexier, and get specific about your needs. The next thing to do is to talk to him. Remind him that you will feel more excited about meeting his needs if your needs are also getting met.
#2 Get specific
Remind him this relationship is a two-way street. It's quite possible that he thinks he is already doing everything he needs to.
Unless you are specific about what you want, he has no way of delivering. Spell it out for him. For example, "I want to kiss for 30 seconds every morning with tongue." "I want to hear that I look beautiful right when I wake up in the morning."
And, do keep in mind that the best time to have this talk is during a non-sexual neutral time when the two of you are spending time together, not when you're already in the throes of intimacy. But, you definitely have a voice in this relationship too. Don't be afraid to use it.
#3 Barter
Third, ask him what he wants and strike up a barter. For example, if you want more kissing, or more romantic gestures you can then strike up a deal with him. For example, "I will give you (insert what he wants here) if we kiss for 30 seconds in the morning." Ask him to give you a specific directive of what he wants.
So, just to review:
1. Know what turns you on and makes you feel sexy. Get in touch with yourself and your needs first.
2. Communicate it to him and be really specific. You have a voice that needs to be heard.
3. Ask him what he wants in return. Let him know his needs are important and don't be afraid to barter.
This way, he gets what he wants and you get what you want. It's a win-win situation!
Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.
Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.
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