My Husband Live Chats with Porn Girls

Is it cheating when your partner looks for sexual arousal on the internet? Most of us understand why we look at porn. Many couples even enjoy it together, but what about live chatting? If you caught your partner chatting with a naked web girl/guy, would you be upset? When a person has direct contact with another person, and one of them are taking part in a sexual activity, isn't that cheating? Let's here from the She Said He Said team, Josie and Eli, about this cyber dilemma.

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Dear Sexes: My husband watches porn which is fine. That really doesn’t bother me but what bothers me is when he live chats with them. I told him I consider that cheating in a way and it needs to stop if he wants to continue this marriage. And he always needs to look up naked actresses and he does when I am right next to him but he thinks I don’t notice. Why, in your opinion, do you think he does that? Is it me?

She Said: Without knowing your husband, it’s hard to say why he’s doing this, but I feel pretty confident in saying that there’s nothing about you that causes him to do it.

First, there’s nothing inherently wrong with him looking at porn or even chatting with the live chat women. Always remember that they are hired and paid to be sex workers, they do not love him or care about him. They’re not your competition. They’re just performing a service.

That being said, your boundaries for what are acceptable to you in this monogamous relationship are extremely important. You do get to decide what you’re comfortable with, and he has an obligation to hear you and respect your boundaries.

In this case, figure out what you find acceptable and what you do not. Maybe looking at porn is fine for you, but live chats aren’t. Maybe you’d rather know that he’s looking at the naked actresses than have him keep those things a secret.

Whatever you decide, you have to be clear with him about how you feel when he live-chats, and clear about your boundaries. Find out from him what he truly believes he can honestly commit to, as far as his own boundaries and make sure you’re ready to be receptive to whatever truth he may share with you. If you’re going to freak out and call him names or threaten to leave him just to get him to say he’ll stop doing it, he’s not going to be able to trust you with the truth.

And you need the truth. So be the person he can tell the truth to, to the very best of your abilities. Once you know those truths, and his baseline level of commitment and boundaries, then take some time to decide if that’s the life you want to lead. It may very well be that once it’s all laid out there for you, the relationship will be worth him having cyber sex with a sex worker. It could also be that you will never ever be happy in a relationship with someone who is doing that.

There are no judgements coming at you from us no matter what you decide. Relationships work in millions of different ways, at millions of different levels of sexual commitment—all the way from the couple who were both virgins when they met, to couples who are very happily polyamorous and everywhere in between. There’s no shame in you being okay with him live-chatting. I would only be concerned if you said you were okay with it when you truly weren’t, and either started lying about your comfort or putting him in a position where he feels he must hide it from you.

Your job now is to figure out what is going to be best for you. Then the two of you need to figure out how to best serve both your needs while respecting both of your boundaries. In this case, I strongly suggest seeking help from a therapist or couples counselor. A certified sex therapist would probably be even better.

If you can’t find a happy compromise, then you leave. Your happiness and sense of well-being is crucial here. Don’t push them aside because you’re telling yourself that his actions are somehow because of you.

He Said: If I had a dollar for every time we received a question about boyfriends/husbands watching porn I could treat myself to a decent night out on the town. Watching porn isn’t a relationship crime. Often, I can partially defend a boyfriend/husband porn-surfing with the explanation that men are visual, and their porn watching is merely a quick quenching of their aesthetic thirsts (and in most cases, this activity has no reflection on the passion/excitement between partners).

However, I can’t defend the indefensible. Live chats with porn girls is something entirely different. Your husband’s not just looking, now he’s interacting, talking/typing, exchanging, etc.. Only you can decide what’s cheating to you, but personally, I would consider this a form of cheating. Your husband is spending time with live women (through a computer screen), and his interactions are most likely of the seductive/flirtatious sort. Additionally, the time he’s spending live chatting with these porn girls, he could be spending on his relationship with you.

Regardless, it only matters how you and your husband define these actions. If you’ve already expressed to your husband how this behavior hurts you, he needs to explain himself and/or adjust his behavior. If he continues with his live chatting ways, either he doesn’t understand how much you’re offended, or he doesn’t care (or maybe he’s addicted to the attention). Giving him the benefit of the doubt (that he cares about you and is not a bad guy), make him understand! You’ve made it clear to us how much this behavior bothers you. Make sure you’re just as clear with your husband. Live chatting with your love should always be more satisfying than live chatting with strangers.

Josie is a writer living in Los Angeles. Though she has a tight circle of female friends, she's always been a guy's gal. This advice column came about because her best girls kept begging her to ask her guy friends for sex and dating advice on their behalf. She realized that the advice they offered was honest and direct--and completely different than the advice women offered each other.

Eli is an indie-rock musician living in New York City. He loves his football and hockey as much as the next red-blooded male. But when it comes to relationships and love, he's really a true romantic. His friends (female and male) are always asking him for his dating/relationship advice due to his genuine caring, perceptiveness, and honesty. He always calls it like he sees it, and usually sees it very well. 'Like' them on Facebook.

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3 Reasons Cheating Is Not An Option

Infidelity is highly destructive. Trust is very difficult to gain back once you loose it. Whether you want to pretend to be the other woman or discuss polyamory as an alternative to cheating, Drs. Chuck and Jo feel strongly feel that communication is the way to save your marriage. Going behind someone's back and cheating is never the true answer. Websites like Ashley Madison, try to tell us that they aid couples who have problems. We strongly disagree. Here are three reasons why cheating is not an option.

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Love isn’t dead, but every so often we read something that makes us think it might be comatose.

As the Internet dating world has exploded, with more than 40 million Americans having profiles on at least one of the key dating personal Websites, there is another kind of dating site that has popped up that just makes our blood boil.

Now, there are Websites that cater to married people who are seeking to have affairs with others. These sites guarantee anonymity and discretion and they create a feeding ground for people who have no problem with infidelity. What’s worse is that the founder of the most popular site — the Ashley Madison site with 13 million members around the world — is trying to defend the practice of having extramarital affairs as an aid to couples who are having marital problems.

To those of us who make a profession out of helping people solve their relationship issues, it’s like Charlie Sheen telling kids that drugs are good for you. So, if you have a moment, please allow us to dispel some of these inane arguments before they begin to take root and make some people believe that having an affair is just the shot in the arm their marriage needs.

#1 Cheating is not consensual 

Noel Biderman, the former lawyer and sports agent who founded Ashley Madison, has been making the interview rounds to promote his site. In one interview, he stated that non-monogamy has always been a part of traditional marriage, dating back to polygamists from the African tribes to the early Mormons. This is a false comparison, because that style of non-monogamy was consensual. Women who married men with multiple wives in those cultures knew they were marrying a man with multiple wives. They had full disclosure. An affair is an act of deception, which involves a married partner in a non-consensual act. They did not have a choice in their partner having another romantic partner — it happened without their knowledge of permission. So, that argument is a crock of ca-ca.

#2 It won't help keep your marriage or family together

In another interview, he tried to indicate that infidelity is good for marriage, because it’s all about sex. His contention is that someone who wants to have an affair because he or she is dissatisfied with their sex life would be selfish to forego the affair and just get a divorce. His idea is that marriages are often also about raising children and life partnerships, and sex is just one dimension. So, why get a divorce over the sex issue alone? Just have an affair and keep the family together.

There are so many things wrong with that argument, we barely know where to begin. First of all, an affair creates a breach of trust, which many families never survive. And if you don’t think an affair will never be revealed, ask Tiger Woods or Arnold Schwarzenegger how that concept worked out for them. Further, if the sex life is unfulfilling, that creates tension that children will see, making them unhappy, too. Moreover, there is another option other than having an affair or getting a divorce. It’s called working with your partner on increasing the quality of your marital sex life. I understand there are even counselors out there who can help them with that. We know a couple who seem pretty good at that, too.

#3 Cheating is not a wake-up call

The last argument he makes on the benefits of affairs is that they are actually good for a marriage because they can bring couples together. His viewpoint is that the affair acts like a wakeup call for a couple in crisis, and gives them the ability to come together to fix what’s wrong with their marriage.

What’s wrong with that marriage is that the trust has been broken, and repairing that trust now becomes the focal point of the work they have to do, not their sex life. In fact, many marital sex lives have a hard time recovering from an affair because the image of infidelity is very difficult for partners to overcome. It’s not that it can’t be done, but a couple that chooses instead to work honestly on fixing their sex life has far less work to do than a couple who must work on trust issues before sex can ever even happen again.

Our advice to married men and women who are contemplating an affair is to stop, take a breath, and examine what it would take to fix what’s wrong with your marriage first. If you can make it work, you should. If you try hard, but just can’t make it work, you should separate. But don’t sacrifice your integrity for a fling that will ultimately change your life for the worse.

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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