Glorious, glorious food! And mixing them--it can be so lovely! But are there limits? Is there a way to make it super hot and actually possible at the same time? Yes, indeed there are! Think about it. Remember the refrigerator scene from 9 1/2 Weeks? That was hot! Our resident sexual adventurer and writer, Lynn Olejniczak, is back with her top recommendations on ways to get hot and steamy with sultry food play.
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It sounds like such a great idea. Your favorite person in the bedroom and your favorite food from the kitchen. What could go wrong? Unfortunately, plenty. But before you put the whipped cream back in the fridge, let’s go over that food pyramid. After all, there are some things that just shouldn’t be on the menu.
Not hot enough to burn
It sounds nice – drizzling warm chocolate, honey, or caramel over your lover’s body parts and licking it off but you have to take caution. Chances are this idea is going to pop into your head quickly. You are going to run to the microwave and zap the viscous fluid for 60 seconds, and run back to pour it onto your partner. Not a good idea. Microwaves cook at different temperatures and have hot spots. What may feel comfortable on the liquid’s surface could very well be hot lava below. Even worse, sticky foods stick. If it is too hot it will stick and burn. It will only take 5 seconds for something at 140ºF to cause a 3rd degree burn. That isn’t sexy, or fun.
If you want to incorporate hot fudge into your play you should heat it indirectly. Put it in a container and then put the container into warm water. Yes this will take longer but it is better than sitting in the emergency room with a burning crotch. How do you dress for that trip?
Watch the salt
Barbeque sauce, ketchup, marinara, hot sauce; some people wouldn’t think of bringing these into the bedroom, but other people look at it as a feast! These condiments have a crazy amount of salt. I’m not here to tell you to watch your diet but to watch where you put these things. If your partner just shaved, had a wax, or has a small cut where you want to spread this on it, the screaming you hear may be for all the wrong reasons.
Salt in a wound dissolves. The body’s receptors don’t like that and the wound tissue reacts by becoming hypertonic. This is where the pain comes from. Capsaicin in hot sauce will do the same thing. Even if you don’t have a wound, be careful not to rub your eyes or touch your partner’s face when going hot and salty.
If you want to go this route have water close by (just in case) and find out when your partner last shaved or waxed before applying. Use it a little at a time as opposed to covering a larger area, and I would probably think twice before heating salty things up.
Food is yummy. But if you want to eat something off of, or out of, your lover try to keep track of it. Obviously temperature and salt content still applies but say you want to spread strawberry preserves between your lover’s thighs and lick it out. Sounds great, but if you can’t get it all out make sure she can. Nothing is worse than getting something stuck inside of you. Diaphragms, the sponge, tampons have a string, band, or lip to grab for removal. That piece of melon does not. Douching offers no guarantee for removal either.
A good rule to follow is to make sure whatever you spread or insert is water soluble or pretty close to it. Make sure you can see everything you are using and remember if you push it too far with your tongue you might have a problem. Gravity could be helpful if something gets “lost” but if you can’t seem to recover that honey dew, get to the E.R.. You’re probably not the first person they have seen in this situation.
Time
Food begins its degeneration, or spoiling process once it is no longer refrigerated. This goes for lettuce as well as meat. Not that you are reaching for radicchio when you want to get it on. Or maybe you are, who am I to judge? Point is - fruits and veggies can spoil and cause food poisoning. Often this will come from pathogens being transferred to the food from a knife or other utensil, so be sure everything you use is clean. But keep an eye on your watch. Most doctors will agree that anything left out after two hours has the potential for more harm than good.
So about that meal you began before you lost control of yourself, and skipped straight to "dessert". If your love making lasted two hours or so, that filet mignon is toast. You’re better off clearing the dishes and ordering in. This goes for the brie and fig jam from your holiday buffet table after the guests have gone home. And yes, you have to dump the fresh whipped cream you put out at the coffee station. Sorry.Mess
Finding a lost earring between the bed and the headboard weeks after you thought it was gone forever is a bonus. It will probably also trigger some pretty happy memories. Yea! Good for you. Finding a shmear of cream cheese at the foot of the bed days after playing deli-guy-and-out-of-towner is just gross. If you are going to use food just clean up afterwards. If this is something you like to do on a regular basis, maybe have a special set of sheets for the occasion. It is a lot easier to just change the sheets and deal with washing them tomorrow than finding an unpleasant surprise later.
Finding pleasure in foodplay is easy. You also won’t be faced with belly regrets or weird E.R. looks if you are smart about it. There is a bonus here too. When it comes time to clean up you don’t have to do it alone. I’m sure that shower has enough room for both of you. Second course, anyone?
Lynn Olejniczak is a native Chicagoan who loves her city and everything it has to offer. She spent 10 years as a NASDAQ trader in Chicago and New York in the 90's, then went back to college when "the rules changed and I realized no one was going to pay me lots of money to swear at them anymore."She loves good food, and a perfectly poured Guinness at any Irish pub in the city. Her Beastie Boys CDs rest comfortably next to her Misfits vinyl, and she believes Underground Garage is the best radio program known to humankind. Armed with degrees in History, and a love of Urban Planning, Lynn is currently writing and researching a book on the 80's Chicago bar scene. Get in touch with Lynn at editorial@getlusty.com.